Friday, June 28, 2013

Twins are Ruining My Life - Mom Speaks after Dad's Essay

You may remember the dad that was wishing away the impending birth of his twins.  His wife has decided to speak out as well:
 I don't want to read the message boards that talk about what a joy twins are and how it's so worth it and how "this too will pass" and what a blessing it is. When I complain that this pregnancy feels extremely more difficult than my first one, I don't want to hear another doctor say, "Well it's different - there are two." None of this makes me feel any better. Quite frankly, it just pisses me off.
Before pursuing fertility I was a positive person, a cheerleader type with the mindset that everything happens for a reason. Now I find my mindset has shifted. While I am grateful we are pregnant, I am changed. There has been too much pain, too much struggle, and not enough learning. The "glass half full" person is no longer. The twins are coming fast, and I don't feel a sense of joy. Instead, I feel responsible. We only wanted one.
She doesn't want to read on message boards about the joy of the situation?  Well. one must ask why did you and your husband decide to make your complaints so publicly?  Do you think you are doing some sort of public service by talking about how you don't really want both of the children that you are carrying?
There is no denying that it is somewhat human nature not to be able to see another point of view when you are going through an emotional time.  But the selfishness of both of these people is nothing short of stunning.  At least her husband didn't put his name on his essay, but the wife decided to put it out there for all the world to see.  One of the biggest problems with that is that it will last forever and it may very well be read by her children one day.

I don't have twins so I have no idea what that is like.  But I do have several friends who do.  If they felt this way, they certainly didn't share it with me.  One of my friends that had twins didn't use fertility drugs/procedures, which would make it even more of a shock when it did happen.  Using fertility drugs does make it more likely that you will have multiple babies.  That is part of the process that was fully explained to this couple.  They admit that themselves.

But I will tell you I was a person who desperately wanted children, I got ovarian cancer at a relatively young age and that dream was not very likely to come true.  It was heartbreaking.  I know people who have tried virtually everything under the sun to have a biological child and it just won't happen.  It is not in God's plan.  These families would give their eye tooth to be in this position.

It seems that the desire to have additional children was not even something that they necessarily wanted:
Yet despite these challenges, we still wanted another child - a sibling for our son, mind you, not so much for us. We spent the next two years trying to conceive. Every month when I would get my period, I didn't just feel grief or disappointment - I was losing hope. I was exhausted and depressed. The emotional pain was incomprehensible to me. I was eroding as a person, losing weight and not being the best mom, wife, or professional.
Did this woman think that having even one newborn with a three-year old would be easy?  Newborns need a great deal of attention, feedings, diaper changes, hugs, baths, and everything else that goes with it.  It would never be easy even if you had only one child.  You don't have a child simply because you think your existing child needs a sibling.  That isn't a very good reason.
I wonder how much strain having two infants at the same time will put on my marriage and older son. We are not rich. We work hard to provide a good life for our son, and we have dreams, as all families do, of going to Disney, college, etc. I worry about how much of our attention and resources will be taken away from our firstborn. We also now need a bigger car and a bigger house. What had I done?
I thought of colic, and the change that postpartum depression had inflicted on me the first time around. Why would the universe, God, karma, whatever, whomever think it was a good idea to bring forth twins in our lives? When would anything go my way? Before I had children, it seems like it used to.
None of my friends that have twins are rich either.  They make due.  But it seems pretty clear that it comes down to this:
I completely acknowledge that for many, the journey to conceive is more difficult than our story. I realize better people than me are out there feeling joyful and benefiting from a far sunnier perspective. For anyone who is worried about me and my husband, our son brings us a ton of joy. We are always amazed by how much we love him, and I'm sure this indescribable love will extend to his brothers. But for now, I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Worried about you and your husband?  Honey, don't you realize that most people are worried about your three sons?  They are the issue here, not how things are not going your way.

If these parents don't realize that there are many, many childless couples that would happily adopt one of those boys, they are sadly mistaken.


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